The latest
version of The Three Musketeers by Paul W.S. Anderson can best be described as
a little bit embarrassing. I was never expecting a traditionalist re-telling,
so the flying ships and machine guns didn’t bother me. What bothered me was
that I was expecting something totally ridiculous that was at least fun to
watch. Instead it was something totally ridiculous that often induced cringes
and impassioned sobs of ‘Why?’
The three
titular characters are not half-bad, played with some competence and sense of
character by their respective actors, but Logan Lerman as D’Artagnan irritated
me throughout. He was so Hollywood that even in this Hollywood-ised,
explosion-filled version of the tale he seemed out of place. His accent and
mannerisms could not even briefly be removed from a 21st century
Hollywood setting.
On the
issue of accents, it certainly takes you out of the world of the film when you
realise that every character has a different one. Having a mix of French,
German, British and American accents, while modernist is just confusing. I know
that making all the actors put on French accents would sound a bit too ‘Allo ‘Allo, but surely there’s a middle ground somewhere.
I also
thought this film might be something of a career revival for Orlando Bloom,
following getting cut from the last Pirates of the Caribbean
and, to the best of my knowledge, having not really done anything of note in 4
years. But despite the fact that he appears to be having a lot of fun with this
he can’t seem to get over the hurdle that he’s not a particularly talented
actor. He does an ok job, but he needs to put some work in if he still wants to
be getting gigs when he’s 40+.
Christoph
Waltz however, as Richelieu makes a perfectly
acceptable villain (as always) and Freddie Fox is pretty good as King Louis
XIII, though I must say that the facial hair on a 14-year old confused me
throughout. Mostly because a joke is never made of it despite the set-up being
there.
Possibly
the biggest problem with the film is that its script panders to the lowest
common denominator. There are far too many moments when character motivations
are stated plainly in the dialogue, leaving absolutely no room for audience
interpretation. Although it’s a common affliction of mainstream cinema, it does
bother me when a film assumes that its viewers are such sociopaths that they
can’t interpret human emotion on their own.
Visually
the film at least delivers, with plenty of opulent sets and explosions to keep
most viewers happy. Thankfully, Anderson
also knows that 3D doesn’t just mean stuff flying out of the screen. The 3D is
subtle and inoffensive, largely being used to add depth rather than assault the
corneas.
The film is
not completely devoid of fun, but the sheer level of ridiculousness you need to
accept to gain access to that fun was usually beyond the capacity of this
viewer. Should have gone with my gut and seen Contagion instead.
